The Facial Feminization Journey - Part 1
30 Jul 2025Itās been yet another long break from blogging, but this has been a different kind of year so far. I think generally itās a good thing when Iām not writing here as often because the purpose of this blog originally was to help myself feel more understood by friends and family and thatās been going really well. However, to say that this year has been unremarkable would be a lie. Itās actually been one of the biggest leaps forward yet and that has in a big way been due to going for Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS) back in April.
This is probably one of the most intense things Iāve ever done in my life. As I was going through it I found myself very apprehensive about writing too much, as though I might curse myself or look the fool should my expectations and reality not meet. Now that Iām 3 months into my recovery I feel a lot more comfortable discussing this from a birdās eye view.
Where it began
FFS was always something that really felt like a top priority for me in terms of things I considered doing as part of my transition. Prior to surgery it could be very hard at times to feel feminine when I had no makeup on. Generally I think I am most focused on changes that help me socially and being gendered correctly. Whatās underneath my clothing is secondary.
I started investigating FFS nearly 2 years ago, and it was about a year and half from when I first contacted my surgical team to the date I booked surgery. I heard about the Spain based āFacialTeamā through several friends who went there and their results were exquisite. Both effective and incredibly natural looking. The Barbie-ification plastic surgery look is not for me personally, though I do understand some people like to have that stun-factor. Iām a software engineer for work though, and I would actually worry about a plastic surgery stun-factor working against me professionally. Keeping results lower key was important to me.
After an inital Zoom consultation with FacialTeam in May 2024, I scheduled to visit them the following November in person. I wanted to travel so that I could have a detailed consultation done, including a virtualized rendering of what my results would look like.
I took one other consultation in Toronto but the surgeon didnāt impress me nor did his pricing. FacialTeam in Spain was bother cheaper and offered holistic service specifically adapted to transgender needs. Their quote included hotel stay, taxis to/from the airport and all appointments, as well as group therapy and daily nursing care services.
Making the decision
Deciding to move forward with the surgery was not an easy thing to do. After my consultation in Spain I had a lot of time to think about who I was doing this for and what my expectations were. Reminding myself that I couldnāt rely on surgery to change my life. Some of these reflections after consultation are what inspired me to come out at work in January, months before surgery.
At the end of the day I canāt say I ever came to completely rationalize my decision to go forward with FFS. It felt like at least a semi-irrational leap of faith that it would help me.
The Plan
After I had booked my date (April 10th) and made my deposit for the surgery, I needed to form a travel plan. I asked a couple friends if they might be interested, but didnt get any takers. Next, I asked my parents.
Reflecting back now I feel kind of foolish for asking friends first, but I think I was still shy about imposing anything related to my transition on them. They were very supportive and enthusiastic to join though. We made it an opportunity to fit in some extra travel to Seville and Lisbon in addition to our extended stay in Marbella for the surgery.
Anticipating the surgery
As my surgery date got closer I found myself increasingly anxious. I really believed that what I was doing was crazy. Itās crazy we even have the technology to do this now. Itās crazy what the procedure involves. I felt crazy for going forward with such a thing.
What had my life come to that I was doing something like this? I am not someone who ever thought they would be doing plastic surgery. Now I was taking a leap of faith that this could improve my life. I had never been under general anesthesia before either. The idea of being knocked out and operated on was frightening to me. There was an existential crisis continuously running through my mind and as the day approached that feeling just got heavier and heavier.
I tried to throw a going away party before my surgery to see friends, and while I couldnāt really say it at the time, I felt like I was saying a sort of goodbye. I had so little vision of what the future held beyond my surgery date that I was braced for the worst. Honestly, I donāt think seeing a bunch of friends and repeatedly talking about my upcoming FFS procedure was helpful for my anxiety either. I didnāt really feel like myself. A lot was hanging over my head and leading into the trip it was getting worse.
The Trip Begins
We left for Europe on a Friday evening after the work day had completed. My stomach had been twisted up all day. When I first saw my parents I almost immediately warned them I didnāt feel like myself and might be a bit short-tempered during the trip. Once we got moving to the airport I felt better though, as the travel kept me distracted.
Seville
We stopped in Seville 3 days before we needed to be in Marbella for check in. On and off I felt a lot of anxiety about the surgery. I was enjoying the time with my parents. Eating a lot of tapas and seeing some great sights of the city. However, I was terribly twisted up inside. I had to go to my room and lie in bed a couple of times to work through sick feelings. I wanted to cry at moments, I was an emotional wreck inside.
Marbella
Seville may have been the worst point for my anxiety and as we got to our hotel in Marbella things didnāt seem quite so bad, though still uncomfortable. As I went through pre-op consultation the next morning, fewer and fewer things seemed so mysterious. The staff were reassuring and their therapist even spoke to me on about feelings going in. After mentioning my extreme anxiety, I remember one thing she said ā that if I wanted the results, then I had to go through the process. Itās sort of an obvious thing, but in all the mental commotion simple facts like these sort of get lost. Iām not even sure that the advice was soothing so much as it just helped me clear my mind.
The anxiety was pointless. I wasnāt turning back. I wanted the results. I was going though with this.
Surgery Day
The following morning I was up early, prepared to be picked up by a taxi and taken to the hospital. When the taxi arrived the driver picked up one other trans woman who was being dropped off at the airport right after me. She and I got this moment to speak to each other before I was dropped off. She reassured me about how well the process would go and how everyone takes good care. It was probably about the best experience I could have had while travelling to the hospital. Instead of sitting in silence nervously, I got to hear from another trans girl, who had just been through this themselves, about how well it was going to go. We didnāt get each others information, but I remain grateful for that special moment just before I walked into the hospital.
After being admitted to my room and changing clothes I was wheeled to the operating room and prepared for surgery. After one question from the anesthesiologist about where I was travelling fromā¦ā¦ the next thing I remember is being woken up while they finished the last steps of my hair transplant procedure before returning me to my room.
So began the road to recoveryā¦