'Mmm' Guys

What is it with some guys and comparing me to food? I’m not totally sure I understand it. I’m not saying there’s never a time to blend a simile or metaphor into a playful conversation, however, if someone opens by telling me I am ‘delicious’, ‘tasty’, or ‘a snack’ then they have done the opposite of give me an appetite.

I want to focus on something even more offputting though - when a guy just says ‘mmmm’ without much else. ‘Mmmm’ is not even a word. When I’m just getting to know someone and the ‘mmmm’s come too quickly or frequently I feel like an object of fetish and not a person.

This brings me to story time, which extends to a real date and a guy who saved his aggressive ‘mmmm’s for in-person…

The Date

We met on a dating site a couple of summers ago. He was quite cordial and communicative, which I always appreciate. He was also a little bit older, which tends to correlate with maturity, though it’s never guaranteed. He expressed interest in properly dating, and meeting me for dinner for our first date, which sounded lovely. I agreed and we made a plan for a few days later that week.

We went for Korean food near my place and shared a few dishes over light chats. Things were reasonably comfortable. We talked about jobs, hobbies and those sort of light topics you work through with new people as you gauge compatibility. I was still a little uncertain about the connection, but I was leaning in to the experience so that I could properly assess how I felt. He was fairly gentlemanly, which I liked, and the way he treated me felt affirming. I was feeling open to having more dates and seeing how the dynamic developed.

A little makeout

I certainly had no interest in a sexual experience on a first date, but I wasn’t opposed to a little bit of making out either. So we decided to hang out at my place, have a drink and chat a bit more. Naturally, some kissing ensued… and this is where it all got uncomfortable

“Mmmm”

“Mmmmmm”

“Mmmm”

He kept letting out these moans without saying much else. What was going on? This did not feel like the same person. His head was clearly starting to go somewhere else. I could tell his behaviour was becoming driven by fetish, rather than a desire to emotionally connect. The maturity and composure I once saw in this person flew out the window. I increasingly started to feel like I just wanted to get through this and be alone. By the time he said anything else I was feeling disconnected.

A man is ‘mmmm’ing all over me… this doesn’t feel good. I think I’m discovering a new hard limit in this moment. I do not consent to “mmmm”. I have to say though, communicating this to future partners is not going to be so easy. No ‘mmm’ guys allowed, it will say prominently in my profile, lest I repeat this mistake.

Back to reality, I’m over this moment. Oh look at the time! Yawn

Breaking ties (or trying to)

I mentioned I had work the next day and needed to wrap things up. I tried to have a positive finish to the evening despite feeling a bit off from his cringe-inducing behaviour. I made a joke about not leaving anything behind like in the episode of Seinfeld when George leaves behind a hat to try to score a second date. We had been talking about Seinfeld earlier that evening so I don’t think he clued in to my joke being a veiled truth about how things actually went.

Despite this, he did in fact leave behind his vaporizer in the end. Fantastic. I suppose I had tempted fate with my Seinfeld reference. I proceeded to get voice texts from this guy for the next several weeks sending me ‘mmm’s and ‘kisses’, trying to set up a second date. This man was lingering on me like an odor now.

After enough time his persistence turned to ‘when can I pick up my vaporizer’ once it was clear enough I wasn’t clamoring to meet again. I wasn’t ignoring his messages, but I wasn’t playing into anything but the bare minimum communication necessary to get him his property back. This clearly wasn’t about the vaporizer though.

Finally, he decided to show up at my door unannounced weeks later, while I was hanging out with someone else I was dating at the time. When will the shame and embarassment of meeting this man end? Luckily my date laughed it off with me, but I was quite frustrated at how inconsiderate it was to not even send a text in advance to ask if I was home. I suspect it was because he was on another date and wanted to flex to me he had someone else to ‘mmmm’ all over. I’m glad I dodged dating a man who not only ‘mmmm’s too much, but also takes dates on detours to pick up things he left behind from other dates. She made momentary eye contact with me before I shut my door and I all could think was ‘good luck’.