Growing through, and out of, relationships

28 Feb 2025

Sometimes I reflect back on the way I used to date before I started exploring and transitioning. I really have trouble understanding what I was doing at times. Not because I can’t remember, but my detachment from myself had me navigating relationships very differently.

Over the last year or so I started dating a lot more honestly than I think I ever have in my life. The change in my attitude and behavior is kind of remarkable to me. While relationships are very challenging for me these days, I also feel like I’m tackling dating in a far more honest way that allows me to get a lot more out of connections and learn more about myself than I ever could when I was hiding.

This has meant dating a lot more actively than I ever used to. Shorter relationships used to seem like a pointless waste in the past. My mind was so wrapped around the normative expectations of getting married, having kids and spending one’s life with someone that I think it caused me to over-fixate on a perfect match rather than evaluating what’s truly good for me. These days I’m far more interested in simply finding love and deep connection. I think doing that helps make the dating experience a lot healthier than if I live with the mindset that people I date are my “forever person” or nothing.

More dating often means more breakups too. Breakups are always hard, I find, no matter what level of attachment. It’s really important not to settle on things that don’t make us feel safe in our relationships though. I can’t let something go too long when I intuitively understand it’s not enough or it’s leaving me unsettled, no matter how cozy it feels at other times. As a result I find myself sometimes breaking up with people when it might seem premature. That often means ending it while I still feel very deeply for the person. I really hate the idea of staying in relationships half miserable when there are clear mismatch issues that will only lead to even more future pain. Breaking up shouldn’t be because I’m tired of a person or even necessarily want them out of my life forever.

I have faced a lot of hurt while forcibly separating myself from people I wanted more from in 2024. I’ve shed a lot of tears in the last year pulling myself out of relationships that are hurting me despite feeling a lot of capacity for love.

I have also experienced a lot of growth. I’ve learned things about myself through my past partners. I’ve learned a lot about my own values by having them faced up against the values and limitations of others. Through these ups and downs in and out of relationships I just march forward, grateful for all the experiences. No regrets.