I’m living in a transient state

03 Sep 2024

In my line of work we sometimes talk about “transient states” which, in software application terms, usually refers to the temporary animations from one state to another. e.g When you hit the “ON” button and the page shifts things around, shows or hides content gracefully. It helps onlookers understand how their action has adjusted things.

I feel like I am living in a transient state at present. I already hit the big red “IM TRANS” button but my life is still shifting into its new form.

Over the last few years my life has already changed a lot and I still feel far from the final state. Sometimes this continuous amount of change is overwhelming. I feel like I haven’t been the same person for longer than a few months at a time before something significant changes enough that I look at the past and see a different me.

The kinds of changes I’m talking about are both on the outside and within. Personal attitude might be the most continuously evolving part. Relationship changes both with friends, family, work and partners has all been changing too. Of course there are physical changes as well, both chemically and manually induced. That is, hormones take care of the body changes, but I still decorate the canvas. My makeup and clothing tastes refine as well. This isn’t really an exhaustive list of changes but I think it paints a clear picture of how transition touches on just about every part of my life.

Much like in software, transient states are not stable and they don’t represent any absolute truth about the system. I find myself feeling an incredible unease and anxiousness at times as I slowly fade between my old and new state. While I am certainly positive on the direction, I can’t say with any certainty how long the transition will last. There’s no calendar date set in stone for when this ends. This can be really distressing at times.

I’m ready to snap my fingers, click my boots together, pray on a genie lamp and have this just be over. I wish I knew myself better to feel certain about where I will land in the end.

Sometimes I have to remind myself how far things have come and how much better they’ve gotten. It’s really easy to get mired down in the complexity of where I am today and forget the chaos I emerged from. A few years ago my self-worth was at an all-time low. I genuinely feel like I emerged from a gutter and gradually found a whole new capacity for self-love and love for others. A new capacity to express joy, passion, empathy, sadness, sincerity, and so many other feelings that just used to be muted.

I never want to sound ungrateful for the things I have already in my life and I feel so lucky sometimes to have everything I do. It’s just a very emotional journey at times and I wish I knew how to shortcut this a little faster to what feels like more final state of self-acceptance.