Starting the new job

18 Jun 2024

Yesterday I started my new job. I had a surprising amount of anxiety building up in the days just prior, for a couple key reasons:

1. This new job is a level up in my career that I’m really excited about. There’s a huge number of challenges ahead. I feel competant that I can do the job, but also pressure to deliver results and manage a team.

2. I’ve been uncertain about how to approach my transition in the workplace. I already wrote about this a bit last week.

As far as my identity is concerned, I am not really trying to hide anything. It’s not a topic I’m bringing up either. I have plenty of clear indicators I’m queer. From light use of makeup like mascara and lip oil, nail polish and earrings. I’ve also been pitch shifting my voice to sound less overtly masculine for years. It’s just about my normal now. What else do I really need right now?… well…

The name and pronouns

The biggest thing I am missing out on right now is identifying as Kai (she/her). I’m continuing to use my birth name and he/him pronouns at this time. The hardest part of the day was confirming my birth name into all the software tools I’d been given access to - I counted over 15! Confirmation after confirmation sort of piles on the brain and gets a bit exhausting. I’ve never found myself bothered by a little misgendering here or there. When it’s repeated in quick succession I’ve noticed it starts to accumulate. It can lead to a bit of dissociation.

After my first day I was left wondering if I need to disclose at least something to HR that I am trans. I don’t want to change my name and pronouns the same week I started. I wouldn’t mind being a little forward about what I am going through though. Asking for guidance on how they would help me in future when the time comes.

Trans visibility

Not so long ago I felt like it would be seen as an awful inconvenience and imposition on my employer to bring up my transition. Some big personal issue I’m bringing into work and projecting on every employee. An extra job for everybody - “Do your assigned work, and walk on eggshells around Kai”. More and more though I feel confident in my own capacity to tear down stigmas. I feel like I can represent trans people well, put minds at ease and positvely change attitudes among people who have had limited interactions. I’m doing it already all the time!

Slowly coming to terms with being out in my career

I’ve increasingly made peace with my past. I feel less shame for who I am and the direction that I am moving all the time. As I’ve said before I am a train in motion and my coming out is an invitation for people to get on or off at this stop. I’ve taken a lot of time to reflect in recent years about how much personal opinions matter in work life. Worrying oneself about what your worksphere thinks about you is largely insignificant. Beyond your ability to perform and cooperate, there is nothing else to put much weight on. Living in fear of people’s biases hurting my career is a distraction. Being excellent at what I do and letting things follow is how to move forward.

I wouldn’t say the timing is right yet, but I can tell my gut is getting closer. I’m still waiting for the day I wake up and know.