Friendship

10 May 2024

My friend Alex and I met through the dating site OKCupid. We had a mutual interest in making new friendships, so we set up plans one Friday evening to hang out at their place. This was one of the first times I had met a trans person and felt so comfortable and human. We had drinks, shared laughs and got theoretical about gender with one another very quickly. It was nice to meet someone a similar age, working in a similar field who understood what I was going through so well. They had navigated this journey already for many years and demonstrated such a relaxed attitude towards navigating gender identity.

What I did not expect that evening, however, was for Alex to propose that we go out to a bar together with their other friends who had already been invited. Quickly an evening that I thought was going to be a quiet meet and greet turned into the prospect of my first night out.

Should I?

I was conflicted about taking that step into public for the first time. It wasn’t because I was afraid of how anyone would react, so much as the fact that I still wasn’t out with my family. I wanted to talk to them first before I ever left my home. I didn’t want to risk getting caught and having them learn from anyone else. Simultaneously, the act of stepping out would bring a lot of clarity about things that I had on my mind, which could help me find the strength to come out. There was a bit of a chicken and egg problem at hand in terms of what would help move me forward.

I Should

I decided to join them that night because I saw an opportunity that I wasn’t sure would happen again and I knew I’d feel safe with them. What might seem like a mild night at the bars was a life-changing experience for me. We walked to O’Gradys in the village, caught some drag, had a couple drinks and went home. I don’t really want to oversensationalize the evening because what was monumental about it wasn’t so much what was happening around me as inside of me both in that moment and thereafter.

Over the next couple weeks I hung out and chatted with Alex several more times. We talked a lot about the strong desire I had developed to start talking to my parents after stepping out in public. I wasn’t really sure of what kind of labels to use and the wrong one felt like they could be a trap of expectations.

Queer it is!

With Alex’s help, we both concluded Queer was the best label for me to break the ice with. The term queer is great in the sense that it has no clear expectations around what it means. It just indicates you’re a little different and capable of anything. Shortly after drawing these conclusions from our chats, I spoke with my family over a Sunday dinner. Overall reception was good and a new sense of comfort and freedom overcame me. I didn’t have to hide my face any longer online or in public.

I’m so grateful to the friendship I made with Alex that got me over that hump. It’s hard to explain just how important friends can be to helping you see things more clearly and finding the self worth and courage within you. I often say to people that are struggling with gender identity that making local gender non-conforming friends can be a huge boon.